Q&A with Durenda Wilson, featured speaker at our 2023 homeschool conference

TRANSCRIPT

Shanxi: Hello, this Shanxi Omoniyi, host of MPE’s “Homeschool Hints” podcast to encourage you wherever you may be on your homeschool journey.

Today I'm excited to introduce you to Durenda Wilson, one of the featured speakers at our 2023 homeschool conference and curriculum fair. As an author, speaker and podcaster, her greatest joy is reminding parents how doable and effective homeschooling is, and that they are in fact qualified for the job. Her books include The Four Hour School Day, The Unhurried Homeschooler, and Unhurried Grace for a Mom's Heart. Durenda, do you want to give us a brief history of how you started homeschooling and how you ended up to where you are today?

Durenda: Sure, yeah. I'm Durenda Wilson, and uh, I have been married to Darryl for 33 years, and we have eight kids, um, five boys and three girls. Their ages are 18 to 31, almost 32. We have nine grandkids. And yes, the youngest is still homeschooling. So we've been doing this for over 27 years and we homeschooled all of them from the beginning. So, it's just been a great journey. So I'm excited to be here today to share with everyone.

Shanxi: I love the unhurried homeschooler tagline that you have. I think that really resonates with the constant challenge that moms can feel sometimes in trying to get everything they want done for the day. And what are some ways that you chose that tagline and ways that you've simplified over the, you know, 27-plus years that you've been homeschooling?

Durenda: Right, right. Well, you know, when you have eight kids under 13 <laugh>, simplifying is kind of necessary. But I think, I talk a lot more in depth about this in both of my books, The Unhurried Homeschooler and the Four Hour School Day. But I think one of the most important things that I did was began to recognize that chores and family life were very much a part of our kids' education. So they weren't obstacles to their education, they were actually part of their education. And when I started to recognize that, and, and also like sibling relationships, you know, you're nurturing those relationships and you think, gosh, this is an obstacle. They're fighting. I need to deal with this. And, you know, how are we going to get everything done? But you're actually teaching your kids how to have healthy relationships and it starts at home between the siblings.

And so recognizing the importance of that, I think, was one of the ways that helped me simplify. And then also, another thing that I did that is probably a little unconventional, didn't do any formal science or history in the elementary years. And I'm sure our parents out there are gasping, you know, like what? You didn't do any? So it didn't mean it was non-existent. It means we didn't do anything formal. So we would read books out loud about maybe different times in history or, you know, particular characters in history and all of that. But it was really more about exposure in those early years because I was realizing I cannot do all of this. And so I decided, okay, so what am I going to do about this? And I realized, I just thought back to when I was in school and I thought, how much history and science do I actually remember from elementary school?

Only the things I was interested in. So I thought, you know, it's got to be the same for kids across the board. It made total sense developmentally and all of that. And then, so that gave me the freedom to just do it as the kids, you know, initiated things. And maybe we'd, you know, I'd bring up a conversation about something in the past. It would just, it would just fit organically into our life, you know. And then, you know, maybe the kids would say, mom, who is George Washington? Well, then we can have a conversation about that. Maybe we can get a couple of books about that. So like I said, it wasn't non-existent. I just didn't get a curriculum and teach formal science or history. They were learning all along the way, and they were having little experiences along the way. And I feel like it's learning is so much about like, there's a dot here and a dot here, and a dot here, and a dot here.

And then eventually, they connect. And I felt like in high school, they were developmentally able to really appreciate the bigger picture of history and the bigger picture of science. And they would connect that with the things that they had been exposed to while they were growing up. Things like magic school bus and Kratz creatures and, you know, uh, Liberty’s Kids and things like that. And, you know, and so it was just, it was a fun way for them to do it. It took the pressure off of me. And, you know, all these years later, it didn't matter. They're all fine. They're all doing great <laugh>, they all have decent grasps on science and history.

But it, like I said, didn't happen until later on. So it's kind of an unconventional thing. And I think my point is that might not be a good fit for everybody, but I had to make decisions according to what my family's needs were. And that's the kind of freedom we have in homeschooling. And for me, it was really about trusting the Lord and trusting that what I was doing was going to be enough. And so it's a challenge and it's a faith walk, but it's so worth it because we enjoyed our homeschool journey. You know, I wasn't constantly barking at them because we weren't getting enough done or all of that. I didn't wanna be that mom. And so making these choices allowed me to do that.

Shanxi: Yeah. That's a really wonderful introduction and very freeing, especially to the new homeschool who feels like they have to try everything all at once. <laugh>. And how does homeschooling now, um, current day differ from homeschooling when you first started ?

Durenda: <laugh>Well, I don't have a house full of kids anymore <laugh>. I have a 20-year-old - of course, she's done. And an 18-year-old who is still homeschooling. I would say that the rhythm isn't a whole lot different because that rhythm has just always worked really well for our family. And it's really trying to have all the bookwork stuff done by noon or early afternoon, depending on how old they are. Like if they're really little, like kindergarten, man, we were like zero to 30 minutes, we were done, you know? But as they got older, it just incrementally grew as they developmentally were ready for it. And then by the time they were in high school, of course they had to go a little, they had to go past noon, but not too far into the afternoon, because I was a big fan of giving them margin every day for interest and hobbies and things like that, other experiences. So I would say that part didn't, didn't really change that much.

But I think one thing that has changed is just recognizing even more the value of everyday life experience, you know, as a family, and as we're taking our kids out to these different places and have different experiences along the way as a family, that those are valuable educational experiences. And so, you know, even our interruptions in the day are opportunities for learning. And so, so I don't stress about the interruptions nearly as much.

Shanxi: What are some of the most common questions that you get from new homeschooling moms?

Durenda: I think probably the top two are how to homeschool multiple ages and how to homeschool with littles. And so I have actually, I have two podcasts coming up that address that why it's possible to do it with littles and ways to make it work. And then I also have other podcasts on multiple ages. So moms get nervous, you know, they're thinking, why, what is this supposed to look like?

So what did the teacher do in a one-room schoolhouse? Well, she was teaching multiple ages, but she had older kids helping with younger kids at a certain point. And, you know, so it was a very much a family-integrated type of learning. And the thing that we forget, I think that's super important is that our little ones learn from the older ones, and they take in so much more than you can even imagine through conversations.

I remember one time at the dinner table, our 5-year-old started spouting off all this stuff from high school biology because he would sit and watch the biology DVDs with our high school age son. And so he had all these facts and we could ask him questions if he could answer them. This is high school level biology. And he just, the things that were interesting to him, he absorbed, and wow! So just don't ever underestimate that. I know that a lot of families with a lot of kids feel like they might be sliding their kids somehow, but oh my goodness, no family life with, you know, with brothers and sisters and all of that educationally is really full and rich. And so, uh, don't ever underestimate that.

Shanxi: <laugh> It's almost like the first people are the guinea pigs, the oldest and then the younger one benefit from all this <laugh> fountain of knowledge, right?

Durenda: <laugh> That's right. Absolutely. And it's fun because at, you know, at the dinner table, the older kids would have conversations and the little ones are listening and trying to engage. And so there's just so many wonderful things that are going on in family life that really do make it a great place for, for learning to flourish. It's just we have to change our view of what education looks like, and that's what I've spent, you know, The Four Hour School Day, I wrote that because I wanted to give parents a fresh perspective on education because we've just become so narrow in our view of what education actually is. And so, to have the freedom to be able to do it in a way that works for your family, for your kids, it's just really important. If you're going to do this for the long haul, which hopefully everyone is in it for the long haul <laugh>, you have to do something sustainable.

Shanxi: What do you think are some of the most typical misconceptions or stereotypes that you sometimes hear about homeschooling even, you know, to this day?

Durenda: <laugh> I always laugh. Yes. I know what you're thinking. Socialization, right? Because like, to this day, because they've been doing this for decades, and I have a really hard time not getting irritated when people ask about socialization, because first of all, is that the first thing you're concerned about when it comes to my kids' education? Because that's not my top priority <laugh>. And I would tell people like, there's a difference between socialization and socializing. Socialization is more about conformity. Socializing is like you and me having a conversation, or my older kids being able to talk to little kids because they're around all age groups all the time. So socialization is really not an issue. I try to be nice, <laugh> and gracious when I answer people's questions, but after two, almost three decades of this, it gets old. But anyway, <laugh> and this, and I think the other misconception, and this is a big one that I really try to talk a lot about at homeschooling conferences, is this idea that you're not qualified because you don't have a teaching degree.

I can tell you that every homeschooling mom that I have talked to, that actually has a teaching degree, has said it has been more of an obstacle than a help to them because it has na again, narrowed their view of what education really is. And they've had to really work hard to get out of that. So if you don't have a teaching degree, you're ahead of the game already <laugh>.

And the thing is that no one loves your kids more than you do. No one is more committed than to them and their future than you are. You are an expert in your children. And so why wouldn't you be the best person to facilitate their education? And when I say facilitate, that means I'm not going to teach them every single thing. They're going to learn a lot of things on their own. They're going to learn things from, you know, DVDs. They're going to learn things from books, they're going to learn things from … a co-op or an online class. I mean, there's just a mil … there's no excuse for not being able to homeschool. We have so many resources we can figure this out. <laugh>. Yeah.

Shanxi: That is so good. And so, so true. <laugh> Anything that, I know we've talked about some of the, you know, common questions and misconceptions, but for you personally, was there anything that surprised you about homeschooling over the years? Or challenged you just in the ways that maybe you thought your homeschool would look and then didn’t always turn out that way?

Durenda: Right. Well, I think sometimes we picture ourselves standing in front of our children, like in a classroom. I'm telling you that never happened, not one single day. In fact, I had a college professor asked me once, she was really intrigued by the fact that we homeschooled, and she asked me, how many hours a day do you lecture your children? And I was like, none <laugh>. I said, I only lecture them when they're in trouble, <laugh>. But you know, that's the idea we have, that somebody stands in front of the classroom. That did not happen. And, and it was okay. It was actually really fun to see it unfold in such an organic way. I think one of the other biggest things that surprised me is how much our kids will literally self-teach so much of the time if we just have them in the right environment.

And I'm not saying set up everything perfect. It needs to be an environment where there's peace in the home. So if there's discipline issues, take care of those discipline issues, because homeschooling is going to go way better if you have discipline sort of lined out and the kids understand that they're supposed to listen to mom. If you don't have their respect, it's just, it's not gonna go well.

So I think that starting out in those early years, building character in our kids, and that comes in all kinds of situations. Opportunities arise, like when they're doing their chores and they don't want to, you know, they want to be lazy, they don't want to follow through, they're not doing things on time. These are character things that we want to work on. But as we get that sort of smoothed out, it's never perfect, but smoothed out and we're living family life together, and our kids aren't feeling this pressure, unnecessary pressure to perform.

They will literally self-teach. And the thing that's interesting to me - this is another surprise, but not surprised. The fewer resources they had, the more creative they were. So we lived way out in the country, so I couldn't run to the store and get stuff. And we were on a budget, 10 people on one income. It was tight. And so I going and getting, you know, all these different supplies just wasn't an option. And so I just had to say, you know what, this is what God has for our family. I can't go beyond this boundary. I'm not going to feel bad about it. So kids, here you go, here's some lumber and some hammer and some nails. Have at it. If they came in and they asked me for something, I'd try to provide it, but for the most part, it was amazing to watch them learn to be resourceful on their own because I didn't over-source them.

And so I think that's something simplification in just how we live our lives. We sometimes have so much stuff and so many toys and so many different things. We can't do it all, and nobody's actually learning anything from it. So maybe reducing that and letting them work with normal, natural, everyday things, you know, tools and in the kitchen doing, using all the baking stuff, you know, all the measuring cups and the spoons and when they're little. I loved putting a sink full of soapy water and giving them measuring cups and bowls to be, you know, and it doesn't cost any money at all. They come to you ready and wanting to learn. And so all we have to do is just encourage it. And a lot of times just get out of the way and let them have at it, you know? So they don't need us necessarily to always be telling them what they, they need to be learning. There's a time for that. You know, I feel like there's, for our family, we did like a directed time in the morning and then self-directed in the afternoon. And it was a nice balance and it gave them direction, but also freedom. And I think that's super important.

Shanxi: Yeah, I love that concept that boundaries and limitations can actually inspire creativity and self initiative and all sorts of innovation. I mean, it reminds me of, you know, necessity is the mother of invention kind of thing.

Durenda: <laugh> That's absolutely right. And we want our kids to learn to think like that. We don't want them to be lazy thinkers who just go, well, I don't have what I need, so I'm not gonna do this. Oh, figure it out. Like, put your big boy pants on and get out there and do it. And that's what I would tell my boys. Just get out there and girls too, you know, like, see what you can find. Do work with what you have. And, and they would, you know, or they'd choose a different project and they'd find the resources they needed for that. So, I mean, I did try, you know, if there was something that they needed that I felt like I could get, I would of course get it for them. But overall, I just was amazed at how much they taught themselves and resourced things out themselves.

Shanxi: So what have been some of the challenges in homeschooling for you?

Durenda: Probably homeschooling through different crises in our lives. And I say that was a challenge, not because I was worried about how much schoolwork they weren't doing <laugh>, because there were a few different times. I mean, there's just times in your life when there's things going on and you know, there's a family death or whatever. And it is just absolutely fine. In fact, it's sometimes better to just lay that down and be tending to our kids and nurturing them emotionally and mentally and spiritually and all of that. Just giving them lots of margin and time and space to process things and giving yourself that there's room for those conversations about life and death and why bad things happen and who's in control and how God still loves us in the midst of all of this. And He has a good plan. There's just so, so many more deep things that we can teach our kids through those crises, but it's not easy necessarily. But it is such a sweet, sweet time in terms of the long term, you know? So I think that was probably, those are probably some of our biggest challenges.

Shanxi: What, to you, have also been some of the biggest aha moments and accomplishments that <laugh> could have only come through homeschooling?

Durenda: Just growing kids who, I see them as adults now, and they're kind and compassionate and hardworking for you. They have convictions. They know what they believe about things. They love to be with us. They love to be with each other. They're just healthy, productive adults who are contributing to their churches, their communities, their families. And you notice that nothing that I said there, nothing I mentioned had anything to do with, uh, with being good at math or reading our language arts. You know, we make that so important. And it is, but it's not nearly as important as you might think <laugh>. And if we're raising these hardworking kids who are resourceful and they love learning, when we haven't burned them out on learning, they can do anything. They could get to college and have gaps and be able to quickly overcome them because they're motivated and because they've got all these great character qualities to help them do that.

They have a willingness to work hard. They have perseverance, they're resilient. They don't give up easily. They're critical thinkers. And so many of those things, most of that stuff was not learned in curriculum that was learned in everyday life as we just lived out our life. As, you know, things happened, you know, it was just, it was simple. I think we fret too much <laugh> as parents and you know, have kind of been told that, you know, like homeschooling is a new and, you know, trendy trending thing or whatever, but it's not. It's an old idea. The new thing is the, is this whole traditional system that's out there that's clearly not working. You know, it didn't even last a hundred years and it's failing miserably. So trust me, parents, you could do a way, way better job.

And here's the thing. I remember on my worst days, I would think about something that this wonderful older homeschooling mom told me. And now I realize that people are transitioning a lot of times from public school to homeschooling. They're not sure, but this is what she told me. I'm just going to tell you what she told me, because it was comforting to me as a homeschooling parent. She said, if you don't teach your kids anything and you just keep them out of that system, they're going to be better off. And I understood her point.

Her point was, first of all, as moms, we're continually, and parents we're always teaching our kids, we just don't think about it. We're actually naturally doing it. Like when they're doing something not right, we say, oh, not that way. Do it this way. Well, you're teaching right there. Okay. So it's natural for us to teach our kids, and I always tell moms, focus on being mom first, because when your mom, first you are working from a nurturing nature, not a teacher hat, you know? And if you mom from that nurturing nature and you're working from that place, you're automatically gonna teach your kids. And so, you know, and her other point was there are things being taught at the public school that we have no control over. And when our kids are home, we can be the ones to disciple them. We can be the ones to instill in them the values and all of that. Not their peers, not the teachers, not the curriculum. And I think that's really, really important as Christian parent.

Shanxi: Thank you so much. This has been so encouraging and inspiring to me personally <laugh>. We're looking forward to seeing you at our conference and curriculum fair. It's going to be March 31st to April 1st at the KCI Expo Center. And what are some takeaways that you hope attendees are going to receive at this event?

Durenda: Well, I hope that they will walk away with just a real sense of peace with the unique design of their own families and the homeschooling plan that they believe is gonna work for their family. And being content with that, not being nearly as concerned about not being enough, but walking away knowing they can do this and that what they're doing is an incredible thing. It's a long-term investment and it's absolutely worth it. And also, I would love for them to go back home and to focus on enjoying this journey with their kids. And so when, when you start to see, I used to have this 80/20 thing that I would do, and I would say if 80% of what we're doing is pretty much enjoyable and only 20% is kinda like, eh, you know, that's a great ratio. So I could live with that.

If that started to go a different direction where we weren't, like we were like 50% hating it, then something needed to be tweaked or changed <laugh>. So <laugh>. So I just want parents to walk away knowing that they can do this and that they're very qualified to do this, and they're going to learn right alongside of their kids. I think that's key right there. We're not going into this thing saying, we know it all. We're going into it willing to learn right alongside of our kids. And I think that's also key. So hopefully they'll walk away with all of that.

Shanxi: <laugh> Yes. I know some people have said it's like having your education second time round this time with your kids.

Durenda: <laugh>. It is. And it's actually more fun than the first time, I felt like. <laugh>

Shanxi: Thanks so much for listening. We hope you are encouraged in your homeschool journey.

Please continue the conversation with us on our website, midwesthomeschoolers.org, or email us at podcast@midwestparenteducators.org. We're also active on social media if you'd like to connect with us there. Thanks to Kevin McLeod of incompetech.com for providing this royalty-free song Wholesome, which is licensed under creativecommons.org.