Things I Wish I Knew For Homeschooling, Beginning Through High School: Trisha Pull

Shanxi: Hello, this is Shanxi Omoniyi, host of MPE’s “Homeschool Hints” podcast to encourage you wherever you may be on your homeschool journey.

Today we're listening to Trisha Pull, owner of Homeschooling with Confidence. Trisha has twelve years of experience teaching at home and is currently home educating her six children in grades 6, 7, 8, 10, 11 and 12.

Trisha: My name is Trisha. I am owner of Homeschooling with Confidence. I'm a homeschool mom just like you in the trenches of homeschooling. My six kids, they’re aged 11 to 18. I've got middle schoolers and high schoolers, and we are on the cusp of launching our first daughter out the door. And it's rewarding after all these years to see that about to happen. …

We hope we'll hear from you all evening tonight. We're giving away a free priority planner. It’s a Homeschooling with Confidence product that we have created to help moms get their plans and their priorities all the same, so it's a planner that I have used for many, many years, and last year we hired a friend and designer to make it beautiful and inviting for moms to use, and so we're offering one of those free to a commenter tonight, so if you comment on our post, we have some support people.

Shanxi is going to randomly select the winner for us this evening when we're all done.

If you're joining in with us tonight or you're watching this later, we’re also hosting a giveaway on our Facebook page over at Homeschooling with Confidence. It'll be up till Sunday night so if you don't win here tonight, you can head over to Homeschooling with Confidence’s Facebook page and leave us a comment and a follow. We will enter you in a drawing for a mom's priority planner or a student priority planner.

All right, I think we're going to get started. There's a few of us here, and we hope more will join us. I just want to pray for you and pray for joining us in the next few minutes that God would just meet you here tonight in the chaos and busyness of your day let's pray father God thank you thanks for this thanks for making technology work, for Shanxi’s help tonight to make things work, and we just pray that those who listen now and those who listen later that they would just be blessed to have this space and time to think about their kids, about their family, and their homeschool. In your name we pray. Amen.

All right. I'm super excited to be here. Let’s get started. I hope that you'll leave tonight with two things. One is, some of these things I'm going to share, some of you are going to say, Yeah, I know that. We got that.

And so I hope that will encourage you, that you are doing some things really well. You are on track. You're doing some things, and so just keep going.

And then I hope that you'll be encouraged to walk away with something, maybe, that you hadn't thought of, or something that you hadn't noticed, or encouraged to move in a new direction or let go of something that's unnecessary for you and your homeschool.

And so I'm praying that God would do that for you tonight, that He would help give you wisdom about what that might be, and how you might move forward.

I've been homeschooling for 13 years, and there are some things I wish I knew when we started this, and also as we started launching into high school and middle schoolers and teenagers. And so, we're going to talk through both.

Some apply to everybody, and some, I think, to each place in the homeschool journey.

The first thing that I wish that I understood, as we started homeschooling, was how messy homeschooling would be.

In the world of the internet, I feel like it's super easy for us to just see the perfect, rosy pictures from other homeschool sources, where everyone is happy and all students in the homeschool are above average.

The mothers get it right. The bookshelves and the pencils and all the things are tidy in the house, and the conversations, of course, are always deep and meaningful.

In our house, people cry. They're sinful. They're selfish. They’re rebellious. We’re unpleasant. We don't do things we ought to do when we ought to do them. We’re perfectionistic. We leave our house askew.

There's dishes on my counter right now that aren't washed, and the laundry piles up.

This is the house that we live in, and I think as we launched into this homeschooling thing, I literally didn't understand how messy it would make our physical home and our internal world and our spiritual life. I just didn't understand.

And it's a little surprising to me that I didn't understand that. It's not like our house was perfect before we started homeschooling, but all of those things that tend to go into disarray – whether they're in us or outside of us – when you start homeschooling, it sort of amplifies that, it seems to me.

So we did not turn into this automatically well-oiled, put together, sinless and smooth machine. It didn't happen when we started homeschooling, and it still hasn't happened.

We are training our kids. We are teaching them. We are attempting to model for them. We are learning alongside of them. We’re learning about ourselves and we're learning about our kids in the process, but it's just not smooth or linear or perfect.

And it's ok that it's messy, and I think that was the first thing I had to learn was, it's ok if this is messy, because this is where our children are at and where I'm at and where my husband is.

And so if we can acknowledge that our life is messy, then we can accept that that's where Jesus Christ meets us. And so He meets us in our mess. And He invites us to let him into the mess because that's where He can begin to help redeem us, and teach us, and mold us, and shape us to look more like Him, and then also our kids.

I'm not suggesting that we just live in the mess and accept it. We've got to attempt to create rhythms and routines that help bring order to our home, and we've got to invite – most importantly – Jesus Christ to come in and bring order and hope and help to our inner world and our relational dynamics.

My encouragement to you tonight is to accept that the mess is normal. The mess is the human condition, and the mess is what exposes our need for Jesus Christ. It gives us a starting point for ourselves and for our kids, and so as hard as the messy is, I think there's a lot of good in it.

I think that's the pair. The pair is that as messy as it is, it is good to homeschool.

And so if you've been homeschooling for any amount of time, you know how both of these two things go together. It’s a mess, which allows us to see and experience goodness and redemption.

And so I love being with my kids. I love learning with them and sitting with them and reading with them and celebrating with them and sharing inside jokes from the books that we read together and the flow of our day.

I get to be there for their milestones and their valleys and their successes and their failures.

And nobody appreciates it more when a kid closes the book on an Algebra I text or when a child completes the final reading lesson and can read independently.

Nobody appreciates that more, I think, than a homeschool mom who's sat and weathered those moments – or a homeschool dad, who’s sat and weathered those moments with their kids.

It's so beautiful and gratifying to be with teenagers who are starting to fly and flourish and become who God has created them to be, and it's a beautiful gift.

I'm making this book for my eldest daughter. She's about to graduate, and I wanted to create something that gave just a little picture of her through each grade level that we could put out at the graduation party, but also that she could have to take with her when she left her home.

And that process has so good for me because it’s caused me to look back. And granted, I'm just looking at all the positive things that have happened, right?

I'm looking at the things we took snapshots of, but it has caused me to reflect and say, this has been good. This has been a good thing that God has allowed, and I think sometimes what really allows us to say it's good is that we know how messy it is, and we know that God brings redemption and change and goodness even out of our mess.

And often because of our mess, we can appreciate the good.

So I want to encourage you if you are just getting starte, to come to his place a little bit faster than I came. I didn't come super quick to the place where I could accept the mess and the good, and how beautifully they go hand in hand, and how beautifully God causes them to work together for redemption.

And if you've been homeschooling for a long time and you're feeling discouraged, or if you have teenagers and you're just like, woof, this new phase is tough, go back.

Look at the things, look at the memories and the sweet little things that have happened, and use that to propel you to remember that God is good, and He is creating good out of the mess of your home – whether it's physical or spiritual or academic, whatever it is, that is at work. As we seek Him, He's at work making it good.

In a totally different vein – something I picked up when I first started homeschooling, it took me a couple years – you don't have to imitate anybody else. Your homeschool is not the public school, your homeschool is not the private school, your homeschool is not your neighbor down the street.

Your homeschool is yours, and God has made your family unique, and so your family homeschool is going to look unique.

When we were first homeschooling, we lived in a house in Bismarck, North Dakota and we had a little extra space there.

And so I created this beautiful little homeschool room with chairs and tables that my kids were really too little to sit at, and I had it perfectly decorated. I was a teacher before I was a mom, so I had this really strong idea about what teaching and our classroom as a homeschool needed to look like and so I set that up.

The year that we started, my eldest daughter was a kindergartner, and I had four children younger than that, and one of them was a 6-month-old.

And so, this room that I created was down in our basement, and the rest of our life was upstairs: our kitchen, all of her sleeping quarters, the place where I needed to change the baby 's diaper, the place where I needed to put the baby down for a nap - all the things that happened in our regular life. Most of our toys were upstairs.

And so, I spent that year running up and down the stairs constantly, up and down. I don't think it really hit home to me that that was maybe not a good process for me, putting all five of my teeny little kids in this teeny little room to homeschool. It didn’t really make sense. We had a whole house we could use.

I'm stubborn and I'm also sometimes a really slow learner, and so I didn't learn my lesson that year. I made it as complicated as I could, unwittingly. I wasn't purposely trying to make it uncomfortable.

And the second year we homeschooled, we were living in my in laws home. My husband had lost his job and we had a season of nine and a half months of unemployment that put us in their house.

We sold our house in Bismarck and moved in with them for a season. We had a sixth child during that time, so when year two rolled around, I had a first grader, and a kindergartner, and again another baby, but all things that we needed to live in our everyday life existed in a bedroom. That's the space we had. So we had all of our living things and school things in a bedroom.

And so, every morning when we did school, we would pull this one board out to the dining room table, and we would just homeschool around the dining room table because that's what we had.

And you know what? We don't live with my in-laws anymore. Gracious as they are, we don't live with them anymore. We're in a totally different house with totally different spaces, and we still homeschool around our dining table because that is what just has made sense for us.

And so my dining room has marker boards and kids art and bulletin boards everywhere because that is the rhythm of our life.

And we've got kids who homeschool on the couch and homeschool at the table and homeschool in their room because they need to be quiet or sometimes because they need to be noisy.

And we use our home to homeschool a way that makes sense for us.

And so, I just want to encourage you to do what makes sense for you, to not have to feel like you fit in a mold or that you need to do something in one particular way.

There are as many ways to homeschool as there are families who are homeschooling.

All right, one of my favorite tips. I did not come from a reading I didn't come from a family who read a lot aloud. It wasn't something that was done in our home, and so when one of my daughters was 4, a book, I think by God's grace, landed in my lap.

It was called Honey For a Child's Heart, and I discovered the joy and the wonder of reading aloud to your children. So we started with A.A. Milnes’ Pooh, The world of Pooh, I think it's called. We read a bunch of Winnie the Pooh stories with a 4-year-old and a 3-year-old, and we just have never stopped. We read, and so if I can encourage you, if you are sick for a day, your kids are sick, you need a quieter day – if there's one thing that you can do with your kids when they're young, particularly in the school day, I would highly recommend reading aloud.

Reading aloud builds relationships. It gives you shared stories. It helps you build that literary foundation for your children. You can shape character. You can connect with what's happening in your own personal world, but also throughout history, we're studying something in history and then we're reading a totally different book, and I say, hey, you guys, it's set at that time we were just talking about over here.

And so, another joy of reading aloud is that your kids who read at a third grade level can listen at a much higher level. They'll listen at a fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh grade level, and so you can read much more sophisticated literature with more sophisticated vocabulary to them that they can't yet read on their own.

I also want to emphasize the relationship part. This has been so sweet and rich for the relationships in our home. Even my husband, he has two sets of books that he reads – Chronicles of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings – to our kids. He reads it in the evenings, and I love it when my older kids, whom he's already read these books to, they'll come traipsing through – and our kitchen and dining room are kind of open, so they'll come traipsing through in the evening, and he's reading to the younger kids.

And they'll just slow down, and then pretty soon, they’ll just sit down at the table and listen to him read, and I love that they still love to join in with that. It’s a familiar favorite story for them, and so there's a multifaceted connection there.

I want to encourage you to avoid a pitfall that I fell into. I love curriculum, and I love to research, and I love studying my kids.

For so many years, I just was in the pursuit of trying to find the perfect curriculum to match the kid. And I just want to encourage you – there is no perfect curriculum. Not in high school, not in junior high, not in elementary school.

It's good to research and study, and it's good to understand your children, and sometimes it's true that a curriculum can just hit a kid, and some lights turn on. It is a magnificent thing.

You know, we have many times pivoted mid-year and purchased a new curriculum in the hope that we would have less attitude, less trouble, better learning and clarity, and you know, sometimes that has really been what the doctor ordered. It has made the shift.

And other times, we are still dealing with the attitude and the problems and the whining, and now we're just a couple hundred dollars poorer.

So I want to encourage you again, there's no perfect answer in homeschooling. There’s no perfect answer for curriculum. What I get right with one kid, the next year is a complete flop with the next kid.

And so I just want to encourage you that no matter what curriculum you use – whether you spend a bunch of money or no money – your kids will grow and learn as you intentionally disciple them. And they will get, and you will get, exactly what you need as you seek the Lord and ask Him for wisdom.

And so often, the thing that we get from those experiences isn't necessarily the math lessons at all, right?

It's the perseverance. It's doing a hard thing and finishing it, even though it wasn't our favorite curriculum.

I want to encourage you that no matter what curriculum you use, God can use it to teach your kids and to teach you.

All right, and that flows into the next idea, and that is, when I was young – and sometimes I still fall into this pitfall – I want my kids to be well educated. It matters to me that we finish. It matters to me that we are doing a good job educating our children.

One of the reasons we choose to educate our children at home – and there are many – is that we just think that we can offer them a tailored education. We want them to have a good education, but we are not just teaching curriculum. We're teaching character.

And so we're teaching it in us, and in ourselves.

One of my favorite quotes from Susie Larson is, you cannot impart that which you don't possess.

And so if I want my kids to walk with humility and patience and tenacity and discipline and honesty, then I need to be pursuing humility and patience and tenacity. I don’t have to be perfect at those things, but if I want my kids to be people with whole relationships where they forgive and God works, then I need to be seeking forgiveness and reconciliation with my kids.

I don't care how much curriculum we cover this year. If we don't love one another well, if we don't know how to get along in the world, if we don't reflect Christ, I don't think I've done my job very well.

It took me a lot of, I think, years unfortunately to come to that place because here's another one. It's just not about the math lesson. Sometimes it's one hundred percent about the math lesson, but sometimes it's not.

It's my job to see my kids and all of their needs. They’re not learning robots. My kids have spiritual and emotional and all kinds of needs and academic needs. And so, when they're regularly melting down over math – when their response is up here because they can't figure out the sales tax, how to compute sales tax, and we've worked on it, and they're frustrated – sometimes the answer is I need to close the book and set it aside.

Because the story my kid’s telling herself is, I'm stupid, and I never get this right. Every time I get a wrong answer, I'm stupid.

It's important for us to address that as a family, for me to address that as mom, and to speak to.

It's one of the beautiful things about homeschooling. I get to address those things in real time, and while they're often inconvenient, frustrating, defeating, it's also really beautiful.

My kid is at school all day, and they are feeling all those things? I am not likely to see that, but when they're feeling those things and they're having those big behaviors, I have a real-time opportunity to handle it.

Do we handle that perfectly all the time? Not at my house. I sometimes get frustrated and yell at my kids. But sometimes, a lot of times, I say, ok, let’s figure this out. Let's talk about it.

And sometimes, it's not about the math lesson and we need to push through. We just need to keep because what this kid needs to do is learn that she can do this, that she needs to just keep going.

And that is where the Lord comes in. He gives us grace, y'all. He gives us wisdom beyond what we deserve, beyond what we can imagine, and so, as we seek Him as we seek to understand them and love them well, we have an opportunity to meet them in all of the ways.

I'm going to come back to that at the end, just a little bit, but let's talk to some high schoolers. I've got four teenagers. In about three weeks I'll have five teenagers on my hands, and it's just a whole different game with teenagers and homeschooling, and I'm going to share two thoughts with you guys tonight.

Here's the first thought. My first thought is that high schoolers and teenagers are extremely capable – like, really capable – and we need to encourage them to be capable.

And so as much as you can, as early as you can, I think there's wisdom in letting our kids be independent in letting them make a decision and even mess it up because the stakes are low. The cost is low. We can help them sort through the trouble of that.

It is so easy to want to control and to want to be in charge of them. That is something that has been hard for me to learn, to let my kids go.

And so, one of our mottos in our house is, we try to let the kids from a young age when they're old enough to do something. We try to let them do it.

And so when they're 2, it's sorting socks in our house. When they're 15, we let them get their driver's permit, and when they're sixteen, we allow them to be licensed, and we let them drive our cars. Partly because we know it's risky, but we also just want to communicate you're capable and if something happens, if you get in an accident, we're going to be there and we're going to help you. We want you to learn how to navigate that while you still live in our house.

So I have students who are in dual enrollment, and there's a nice opportunity for that, and so students that are in dual enrollment college and high school, earning college credits, and so as much as we can, we release them to that.

I don't manage their weekly schedule. I don't manage their classes. I don't go in the back of the school classroom and help them – unless they ask, of course.

But I do check in. How's it going this week? What's a high priority? Are you stressed about anything? Is there anything I can help you with?

And so, we have regular relational communication with them, but we want to release them to do. And we don't do it overnight. We didn't just wake up when they were 15 and say, ok, you're good. We have been trying to train them in that, all the way. You're capable. We want you to experience stress. We want you to do hard things, and these teenagers they're amazing. They can do so much. They are still lacking the frontal lobe development, so they also make foolish mistakes, and it's good because we're right there and we can help them recover from that.

The other thing I would say about teenagers related to that is that they still need time with you. And so, we've got these teenagers and they're out and about all day and they go to basketball practice. They go to these classes. They come in. They come out. And eight or nine o'clock, everybody comes in, and we notice that our kids need time with us.

And so, my husband and I's bedroom is on the main floor, and so one of our tactics is, we just leave – we will sometimes retire to our bedroom – but we leave our door open.

And undoubtedly, those teenagers will come down the hall – one at a time, sometimes in groups. And they'll sit. Eventually we’ll kick them out, because we want to go to bed, but our kids still need us relationally – most of all, relationally.

They need to know home is safe, that mom and dad care, that mom and dad are going to listen to their day and hear about all the ups and downs of what happened.

And so, teenagers are great about kind of pushing away, and so as much as you can open, and as much as you can be open relationally, I think that is super important for them, that they don't recognize it.

And so as moms and dads we want to recognize that and be there for them.

I'm going to share one more thing, and I'm going to want to answer a few questions if you got them. So if you’ve got questions, would you just pop them in the comments and I'll answer them? If you don't have questions, that's okay, but I'll answer anything.

It doesn't have to be about this topic here when we're done.

The last thing I want to share is for anyone, and that is that there is no formula for success in homeschooling. There's just absolute dependence on God for each day and each step and each moment.

You know how it is. You just figure something out with one kid, and then the next kid you're like, well, this isn't working. Is this what's happening now?

Some days you just feel like you bang your against the wall all day, right? And so those are just moments.

I think successful homeschooling requires balance. I want to get done with school. I want to do academic things, but I also want to raise balanced – emotionally, physically, spiritually whole – children. I want to balance those things that often seem at odds. I want to serve our community. I want to serve those who are in need, part of why we homeschool, but I also want to work on my skills with my kids, but I also want to get through our curriculum.

And so, the best way to balance all that, I have found, is to just ask the Lord. And you know what? We fall short, and we come up short so often.

I wish it wasn't true that things just came up short so often, but that is where we just see the Lord, and He fills in the gaps, and He fills in the holes, and He just gives us grace.

And so I want to just encourage you, if I could give you one thing, is to embrace that mess so that you can see God 's grace at work in your life and in your kids. It's the best I know.

I'm going to take a poke at a few comments here I love that she says, we come back to the room table as well. We do too! Yes, all right. We’re going to pray and then I'm going to send you off. Back to the trenches we go, right?

Tips on middle school. Let's see. What tips would you give for middle school, specifically when relationship dynamics are changing between you and your children and students? So I have three middle schoolers right now, so I hear that. Particularly I find my boys, that really that dynamic is really changing, and so I think as often as we can pursue our kids I find as they get older, taking them, doing something that's meaningful to them.

So like, we have milestones in our house when our kids are 16. We take them on a road trip because they can drive, right? Not quite middle school, but we pursue them really intentionally that way.

In a house of six kids, mom and dad and kid time is like, precious, and so anything I can do to connect with them, and especially if it's meaningful to them. If they have a favorite game, if they have a favorite coffee, drink. We do tea at our house. and so sometimes if I just feel like a kid needs connection, I'll just say, would you like to have tea today?

And we just find some kind of cookie, and we make a pot of tea, and we just sit. And sometimes my boys don't say a lot. That's ok. I just like being with them.

I also like to think the bedtime connection is really important for kids, even in middle school. I’ll come down, give them a hug, say goodnight. How was your day today? Got a high? Got a low? Do you want to talk? No? Ok. I love you. I just think you're a great kid.

And so, a lot of that reinforcement. As I’m thinking of middle school, what my kids need – I like to wear hats so I talk about hats sometimes just tell those middle schoolers, hey kid, I got my teacher hat on today. I love you, and my criticism of you is not of you. We just need to work on your writing. That's literally my job, to help you write better, and so I'm going to put my teacher head on, and we're just going to have this conversation about your, about your written work. No big deal. I know you can do this.

So, I think as a homeschool mom who's always focused on the next thing, like, we got to get this. Ok, they got it. Now let's get on to the next thing.

I sometimes forget how much encouragement my kids need. It's such an insecure time for them.

And so, this is not a strong suit of mine, but I'm learning to just encourage.

I was reading The Worry-Free Parent. If you are a worrier, can I just recommend that book I was reading? Worry-Free Parent by Sissy Goff a couple of months ago.

And she just challenged parents to find three things, three positive things every day they could say to their kids. And I thought, whoa, that's 18 things I'd have to say that were positive in my house. And I thought, do I say 18 positive things a day?

And then I felt really convicted. I don't want to puff my kids up unnecessarily, but I want them to know without a shadow of a doubt – whatever happens in our relationship, whatever wrong things I say or do – I love them, and I want them to know I'm cheering for them, and I'm on their team.

And even though we don't agree, and even though I'm making you do this hard thing, I'm your team. I'm on your team.

And so I'm also learning that middle schoolers sometimes just need a little space, and then I come back – come back a few days later to check on the relationship.

Can you tell us about the priority planner? I'd love to tell you about the priority planner! So the priority planner takes our seven top priorities as moms. A dad could use it too, I'm just a mom so I wrote it to moms.

And so the Lord, my husband, my children, our homeschool, our home, myself. I get to be a priority in the world, right? And then our community. It takes those seven priorities, and it says, I want what I do every week to match what I say is important to me, and I have said that these seven things are the most important things.

And so, I'm going to orient my week, and my to-do list, and my tasks, around these seven priorities, and it gets all those on one sheet.

I can actually show you the planner. I've got one right here. It gets all those on one sheet – let me see if I can open it, find you a sheet. It gets all of that on one page in one week and it's an attempt at a really grace-filled way to see the progress that I'm making and to keep moving forward.

There is a wealth of explanation in the front of the – so the first, oh I don't know – six or seven pages, is just like a – and this is all me. I read about this years ago in a Linda Dillow Bible study, and then I used it for years on a black-and-white Microsoft Word printout.

And last year, my good friend Melissa Kane made it beautiful and inviting. It's a joy to use because it's so beautiful. She does such beautiful work. It has really helped me over the years keep my priorities in line and help me live out my priorities in a more effective way. I highly recommend.

I know one of you is going to win it. If you feel like it's not a good fit for you tonight and you win it, would you pass it along to someone you think that God could use to bless it?

You can also head over to our website, hswithconfidence.com/shop and you can check out all our great resources.

I'm giving away a student priority planner over on our Facebook page. You can comment and follow our page there until Sunday. I'm not sure what the date is on that … yeah, the sixteenth … and then we'll announce the winners on the seventeenth, and we'll get these out in the mail to you.

So any final questions before I let you go?

We have met our thirty minutes timeline. She told me she wouldn't completely kick me off, but I want to honor your time and your time here tonight. I don't see anything else.

Yay! The winner of our giveaway is Katrial Graves. Katrial, I hope I pronounced your name right. I'm super excited for you to get to use that.

Let me pray us out of here, and then off we go. All right. Jesus, you're good. Thanks for this time, this chance to interact, to think and reflect on what you have done, and what you are doing, and what you're calling us to do next.

God, would you help us to take the next step in faith, that you'll meet us there? Would you help us tomorrow when it gets really messy or really loud, or really frustrating? Would you help us to ask you to help us? Would you help our kids to learn to depend on you? And would you help us impart that to them because we live it too? God, I pray your blessing on whoever sees this video tonight or in the days ahead. Thank you for your goodness and your grace, and thanks for making the technology work. In your name we pray. Amen.

Shanxi: Thanks so much for listening. We hope you are encouraged in your homeschool journey.

Please continue the conversation with us on our website, midwesthomeschoolers.org, or email us at podcast@midwestparenteducators.org. We're also active on social media if you'd like to connect with us there. Thanks to Kevin McLeod of incompetech.com for providing this royalty-free song Wholesome, which is licensed under creativecommons.org.