How To Explain Your Homeschool Lifestyle When Visiting Family, Friends: Christy Faith

TRANSCRIPT

Shanxi: Hello, this is Shanxi Omoniyi, host of MPE's Homeschool hints podcast to encourage you wherever you may be on your homeschool journey. 

Today, we're so excited to feature Christy Faith as our special guest. Christy, could you mind introducing yourself to people who haven't met you yet and telling us a little bit about your home school journey?

Christy: Yes. Absolutely. Hi. Thank you so much for having me today. This is going to be such a fun conversation. I love our topic. 

We’re going to be navigating difficult relationships in the holidays, but yeah, sure. For those of you who aren't familiar with who I am. Hi, I'm Christy. Faith. I started out as a TikToker. Well, actually, I can rewind even further back than that.

I am an educational expert. We ran for many, many years an educational tutoring center, educational center and consulting firm in Los Angeles. We catered to the families of the very, very wealthy, the A-listers and billionaires. I only mention that because it's a really important part of my story, because that's what led to homeschooling for me. And long story short, we were supporting the system, both public and private, for many, many years.

So many of our kids that would come to our center after school had diagnoses. I read thousands of IEPs. I was in parent-teacher meetings all day long every day, and we were helping kiddos after school when the schools weren't meeting their needs, whether they were in public school or private school, and we ran that company for many, many years.

And honestly it was wonderful, and our families were great and our kids were great, but what started to happen over time is I started to ask myself some dangerous questions (laughs). And some of those dangerous questions were: Christy, what actually is an education? Do these kids love learning? and questions like that.

And what happened is that led me to some of the homeschool intellectuals in our space, I am very grateful. Initially it was quite a bit of the classical movement. Some of the writings in that movement that really attracted me, because I'm an academic myself, I had a lot of type A clients.

And we realized wow, here we are observing, and we are helping the families of kids who have unlimited resources. If they need a tutor, they can get a tutor. If they need a football quarterback, private coach, they can have it. They need Spanish tutoring? Boom. Done. And so we were in this position to observe the very wealthy. A lot of them, really great families.

So we're able to observe that we weren't super pleased with the outcomes. And to us, to me and Scott, outcomes to us is not just, did this kid become a doctor? I want to know about their character. Did this kid become an empathetic doctor, a doctor who cares about others? Right. And so, we just started to see so much mental health issues, failure to launch issues, kids I can count on maybe one hand, kids who actually loved learning.

And we were, we serviced families whose kids, we serviced I think between 80 and 100 schools. So it's not like, Oh, Christy, you just were in the elite schools and those are drilling kill schools and they just drive you to the bone. No, no, no. We had kids in all types of different learning environments come to our center.

We also ran a homeschool pod. It was before the word pod was popular. We had, but I don't mention that a lot. It was technically a homeschool. However, it was a lot of child actors and athletes, and so it was, we hired credentialed teachers to come in, teach them in the mornings so that they could go off to auditions, or in the case of our athletes, they would have to leave and maybe even leave country for weeks or months on end. And so being in a traditional school, they would get truant. So we ran a little pod, and that was really fun too.

But basically, I started to ask myself really big questions and didn't really like my answers, and I wanted something different for my family.

I am an older mother. I didn't become a mother until my mid-30s, so I had time to really think about this and be in the educational space for a lot of years before I realized, I wanted a different story. The other piece of it too is, I also wanted to redeem my kids’ childhood, so we were in a high-pressure cooker environment in terms of academics, and I didn't want that for my kids either. And I knew because I was a teacher in the classroom myself, I knew it does not take 7 hours to educate a child, even at when this is where I was – I'm not there anymore. I've been deschooling a lot since then – but even at a super elite level where like, OK, I want my kid to become this intellectual savant and go to an Ivy League, that's where I was when I started.

But the one thing I did know is that it doesn't take 7 hours to do this, and so that was kind of where our journey started. It actually led us to sell our company, move states. We are now in Colorado, beautiful Colorado where there's so many homeschoolers here, and we're just living our best homeschool life with our four kiddos and having a blast. 

Shanxi: That's awesome. Thank you so much. Any personal experiences that you have or that you've heard just, you know, based on your experience related to the topic that you mentioned, now that Thanksgiving is just around the corner?

We're defending, maybe, our homeschool choices to very close friends or family. I've heard stories, you know, your spouse may not be on board, your mom, your in-laws. I mean, these are very close-knit cases sometimes where just not everybody's on the same page. And we just wanted to make sure that people knew they're not alone, if they're in that case, and that there are definitely ways that they can handle those situations with grace and tact?

Christy: Yes, absolutely. Well, to answer your question directly all the time, I think that's more of the norm to get pushback because we are a little bit avant-garde in our society with our lifestyle choice to homeschool.

But it's such a common issue that the publisher Wiley contacted me to write a book on it, and so my book is called Homeschool Rising. But the subtitle is: Shattering myths, finding courage and opting out of the school system.

And this is the thing about why I was so excited to come on the show and talk about this, because in defending ourselves, it's very easy to be snarky or to be offended and to get our feathers ruffled over being questioned or our kids being questioned.

Here's what I want to do – and I want to speak to the heart today – is that we have all the data on our side. And it's not that we need to go into these holiday gatherings and spew that onto people. That's like, we don't want to do that. (laughs) But I want to speak to the heart and say that there is a general distrust in our society of homeschooling.

I'm going to make a second statement that's a little bit more edgy. There is also a general distrust in our society of parents. And more and more, the government is sneaking in to “make sure” – you can't see, can you see the quote marks on the audio? – to “make sure” we are doing an adequate job.

And I want to remind people – and I go over this in Chapter 3 of my book, where I go over the history of compulsory schooling – that the idea that teaching as a profession, that you need certification for, is about 150 years old in our society.

That is new. I am a trained historian. Throughout all of society, it was considered in the parents’ sphere of influence, and the parents’ responsibility, to educate children.

So I just want to affirm you in that we are living just in this particular zeitgeist in this particular time where there is this general distrust, but that doesn't mean that it's true. That doesn't mean that it's true.

There's a great quote that I love, and it's actually attributed – they don't know who actually said it – but it's “When everyone is running off the cliff, the one who is running the other way is the one that seems crazy.”

And I feel like that is where we are right now in society, and I want to encourage everybody, and I hope we can get into some tangibles, like what are some sentences we can say that kind of are disarming.

Because we want to be winsome, and we want to be kind. But we also need to be prepared. Not only us, because we don't want to be in a position where we feel cornered and then we get mean. We don't want to do that. And by the way, that reminds me of, you know, it's not helpful in Facebook forums, for example, just political parties and people on both sides of politics, just arguing and spewing their stuff. We don't want to do that. In fact, if we want to win people over to realize how amazing homeschooling is, why don't we let them know how cool it is? How cool our kids are and not worry about what other people think? Because the reality is, you know, Oh, no, what if they talk about us? Guess what? They are. They are talking about us.

We can't make decisions based on those what ifs because they are going to judge us. They're going to judge our parenting, our education. You know, we are in the trial of public opinion. That's a reality to accept. But finding that way to just be really winsome and living our best life, that's going to be what wins people over.

We want to be that homeschool family, where it's not, “There was a homeschool family on my block growing up and they were weird.”

The homeschool families we want to be is, “My goodness, yeah, there's a homeschool family on my block. Those kids are so cool.”

That's the family we want to be, and we don't do that by hiding, by snapping back or, you know. And it also involves, dare I say, it involves asking our kids to step up a little bit, maybe with some phrases to say. Because they will try to sometimes undermine us by going to our kids, which I know we're going to talk about later. But it does involve a little bit of preparation, just to be able to make sure that we are putting our best foot forward. 

Shanxi: How would you say that we go about being winsome, if we always feel like we're constantly stuck on defense, defending our home school choices versus taking the offense? And doing that in – I like how you said it – a winsome manner. So what would you say that looks like in, you know, a high-stakes environment such as your family? 

Christy: Yes, and I love that you say high stakes because these are relationships that we need to maintain, and we don't want to hurt other people at all.

And so, I always go back to knowing our why, and I'm going to be very specific with what I mean by this because you hear it a lot in the homeschool space. You got to know your why. That's going to keep you going on those hard days, which is absolutely true. However, I'm a huge believer in that why being a very specific sentence that you have memorized as to why you homeschool/

And your kids memorize it too, and it needs to be so personal that it's actually disarming to the other party. It can be, “I homeschool because my child, my children, have special needs and the system was failing them.”

Who's going to be like, “Oh?” Who's going to respond to that and say, “Oh, that's terrible?” When you make your why statement extremely personal and maybe even a little bit vulnerable, if you're comfortable, it is incredibly disarming, but it also opens up the door for somebody who maybe has a different view than you, to ask a further question or a follow-up question.

One of my favorite things to do is to also use, and when we respond to homeschooling, if I'm in the general public at a birthday party or something and it comes up, I say, “Oh, we're a homeschool family. It’s such a fun lifestyle.” And I just say it with a huge smile.

But if it's further, like someone I know or a family relationship, sometimes what I'll do is I will start with a common objection that we get in homeschooling. Like, you know, “I was just really concerned about all the bullying and the peer orientation in the local public school. And I was just really worried about my kids’ socialization. And I know that we can do it much better outside of the school system. So that's why we've decided to homeschool.”

Now that's only one reason most of us are not homeschooling, only because of socialization. That's just an example of, in your answer, including one of the main objections that people have towards homeschooling.

And, you guys, there's not that many. In terms of the homeschool objection, you're always going to get the socialization, which – cue my eye roll, can I be snarky here? I'm not going to be snarky at Thanksgiving, but I can be snarky here and I can be snarky on TikTok – but you know, in my book I go over the seven characteristics of a child who is experiencing healthy socialization. I actually did the research, and I went into the psychology on it and there are 7 characteristics. Not a single one of those characteristics requires a classroom environment, OK?

But don't lead with that at Thanksgiving. I'm just, I just want to speak to your heart, mama. You can do it in a much more disarming way and just be kind about it and excited about it and excited about the opportunity.

Sometimes, I talk about the freedom that homeschooling gives us. That's a great thing. And there's just lots of great ways that we can respond. But what I do want to say is having these responses ready ahead of time is going to be incredibly helpful.

So even if it's like on the drive on the way, you're like, “All right, kids, when Aunt Sophie says that you know, ‘When's your mom going to give you a real education?’ You know, you can just say …”

You know one thing I like to advise when people are going after the kids? Sadly, this happens in doctors’ offices more than I'd like to admit, where a doctor will ask a parent to leave the room and then interrogate a child on their homeschooling. Or, you know, the aunties and uncles do it. That is so out of line, and undermining, and manipulative, and toxic. And I can keep going with adjectives because it's just so, so below the belt. It's undermining your parenting and all of that. I would encourage people to say, like, “Oh, you can talk to my mom about my homeschooling.”

We don't need to put our, have our kids on trial. No one goes to a public school kid and interrogates them, so why is it fair? You know, there is definitely that double standard there and it's quite unfair what society will put homeschooling children through, just to satisfy or make their own points.

Shanxi: Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that because yes, that was on my list of questions to ask you because we get it all the time. Do you recommend that parents going into these types of environments should prep their kids? And I think you already answered that question. I know sometimes people can feel like, we're putting too much of a burden on our kids. Can you speak to that objection?

Christy: Yeah. No, and I think that you can do it in such a way where you're actually teaching your children – to be honest, this is a social skill – this is teaching your children to read the room. It's teaching your children how to know if someone’s question is from a good place or not. Is their question undermining? Are they actually curious, or are they actually attacking? And can we read between the lines? Of course we have to look at our kids’ ages and age-appropriateness, but it is perfectly acceptable to come up with an answer where you tell your child, “All homeschooling questions can come straight to mom and dad. And say it with a smile, because this is a decision that we have made and it's really unfair for you, at the age of 7, to be interrogated on our family’s choice. It's just not fair. And so just say it with a smile and send them to us for all the homeschooling questions, you can just go to my mom.”

Which also kind of puts it, puts out the elephant in the room, like, oh, for all the homeschooling questions, it’s kind of like, “We're expecting that. Get ready.” And that can be a little bit disarming as well. And it really depends on the person asking.

I talk about this in my book when I go over objections. There's definitely two different camps of people that have homeschool resistance. There's one camp, that people are really just not informed yet. They believe what society fed them through the news or stereotypes or whatever, but they actually have a good heart. They actually do want what's best for your kids and what's best for you as a homeschool parent.

Those are the people where if they had the adequate information and the data, their mind probably not only would be changed, but might even become your cheerleader. So there's that camp of people.

And then there's the camp of really toxic people. Some people might call them narcissists, where it wouldn't matter anything you would say, they would not change their mind or agree. They are just there to belittle you. I definitely advise speaking to those people in a more boundary-setting way than as that other camp where, oh yeah, actually there's this really great book by this girl, Christy Faith, I heard on a podcast. Would you be interested in reading it? Or something like that.

My book is very, it's strong, but my book is very warm, so someone who is a homeschool skeptic would enjoy my book. I wrote it in such a way I actually wrote it for skeptics, pediatricians, and homeschooling parents. That was a challenge because I wanted to encompass all those audiences, and they always tell authors, “That's a bad idea.” And I just didn't care, because all of these things are going to uplift us all. Why? That's why it's so, it's helpful for us too, because it's data and things like that.

But yeah, definitely when you're entering these situations, like, OK, is this person in the heartfelt camp where actually they're asking curious questions? Or are they, do they come from a bad place and they're not safe and we're just going to have to set boundaries here?

And I definitely think that's helpful when you're entering these family dynamics that can be challenging even without being a homeschooler, that can be challenging, right? (laughs)

Shanxi: Yes, absolutely. Any other helpful boundaries since we are talking about the toxic camp, unfortunately that we just sometimes need to be prepared for? Are there any other boundaries and tips that you've found helpful, just for navigating the holiday season?

Christy: I think that our homeschool kiddos speak for themselves in terms of socialization and being secure in your decision, and part of this is realizing that most people in society who are not familiar with homeschooling, they are not what we would – this insider term, our vernacular, is they're not deschooled yet. Right? In fact, it's a journey for all of us, so we don't need to expect them to be on our side.

It's OK if people are asking curious questions and to engage in the conversation about it. That's perfectly fine. And I think that just having grace and letting our homeschool kids, our family dynamics, speak for themselves, is more powerful than anything else. Let people get to know you.

I encourage families to not only have homeschooling friends. And I'm talking family friends. So if you are a faith-based homeschool and you go to church, it's very easy to stick with, you know, birds of a feather. But it's really important that other people get to know us and know that we're typical. We're normal. Our kids, you know, go off the rails. I, hey, by the way, to your listeners, I had a terrible homeschool day this morning. I was trying to calm down before getting on this podcast. I was trying to regulate myself, right, and here I've been doing this for so many years, just people knowing that we are just like you. We've made a different decision.

What can be really tough with homeschooling – and it's kind of unavoidable – is, and it's one of the reasons why people view us as threatening, because they do, especially moms who have chosen not to do it, they get threatened about their own decision with their kids. We don't want to lie and make them feel better about their decision, because obviously I wish if a mom is capable, able, motivated, loving, I would hope that she would realize that educating her children at home is a better choice for them, and probably her too, just because of how amazing it can be for our own growth ourselves, both emotionally and cognitively and stuff.

But we just have to remember that often we're coming up against defensive mechanisms that are not really about us. They're just kind of having to protect, and often people will ask questions to justify their decision.

Let me give an example. That's where we get those questions, like, oh, I bet that's so much work. That's not really an attack on us. That is them trying to affirm their decision that that's way too much work. I don't want to do it. You know? And there are a lot of questions that you'll get that are like that, that are really more about them than they are about you.

And you know what? Guess what, it is work. It is hard work. It is sacrificial work. You don't have to go around saying, “Oh no, my life is perfect. We love homeschooling,” because we want to give homeschooling a good name.

No, it's just like the decision to have children where everyone's like, “Oh my goodness, having children.” When we're, before we're married in our 20s, “Having children is so much work. Oh my goodness.”

And then we get on the other side, and we realize, “Yes, but so worth it.”

That's how we can present homeschooling, and we can even use that analogy, you know? Yeah, homeschooling is really hard. I've given up a lot of social life. I can't get to the gym like I wanted to. Some of the stuff is hard. Taking that burden on, it's pretty serious, you know, but it's very similar to when we first have kids where it's so draining. The last thing we want to do is clean another sippy cup, but at the end of the day, it was so worth it. And answers like that can really speak to other people's heart and maybe lead to more conversations down the road.

Shanxi: I know you did mention that you had specific lines or phrases that you found helpful. Could we hear some of those? 

Christy: Yeah. OK, let's see. So I wrote some down ahead of time. By the way, I wrote them down in like 5 minutes, but let me see if there's any that I haven't shared. OK, so sample phrases of your how, why are you homeschooling? You can say, of course, the very first piece of advice that I want to say is please, please, please take the time to find and write out and memorize a why statement. So it's probably the most important thing that you can do, and make it so personal that no one can argue against it because they can just go, “Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense.” So one thing you can say is, this is part of the just using the homeschool skeptical attacks against people, you could say, “Oh, I just want my kids prepared, prepared for the real world and the system just isn't doing that. So I've chosen to homeschool.”

Or you can say, “The socialization is so toxic nowadays, and homeschooling is a great way to ensure my kids get the healthy social development that they need.”

You can also say, “My child has special needs, and you know how that system is, right?” Who's going to disagree with that? Who's going to actually say that the special ed system is working right now? No one will, and you'll get them to agree with you.

And then again, I like to lead with something very, very basic, which is, “Oh, yeah, we're a homeschool family. It's been such a great lifestyle for us.”

The common objections we get are, your kids aren’t prepared for the real world. Your kid won't be socialized. Academic preparedness. Do you need a high school transcript? You know, these types of things and so you could, it's very easy to just, in your why, to include one of those disarming statements. But do it in a really kind way. That just makes them go, hmm, you know.

And just realize an unhealthy person is going to react in an unhealthy way. And that's not about you, it's about them.

And the other thing too is we're going to go into these situations, and I feel like homeschool families have extra pressure because all eyes are on our kids. And it's like, are we going to get an A in homeschooling according to people who have no idea about it?

And I just think it's important to realize, be secure in who we are. Our kids might have a really bad day. Our kid might tantrum at the Thanksgiving table, and everyone might say, “Oh, it's because they're homeschooled.” Right? You know what? Get in line with that comment.

We get into situations in society – this actually gets under my skin. I hope you don't mind – where there's some child who is maybe socially awkward, maybe that child was pulled and homeschooled because they have autism and that is why they are homeschooled. Maybe not. Maybe that's just kind of a socially awkward, quirky family. Totally fine.

What gets under my skin is when people look at a kiddo like that and say they're socially awkward because they're homeschooled. But any kid who is in public school, that's never the tagline. The tagline is never, “Oh, they're socially awkward because they're in public school.”

So just own it. You know, there's all types of people, all types of walks of life. There's kids with all sorts of diagnoses, and just own it. Like, this is the decision for your family. Your kid can tantrum and get dysregulated at Thanksgiving, and that's not your report card. It's not. It doesn't mean, and they might judge you, just expect it. They will, right? We're on trial a little bit, especially if you're in a very tense home environment, but guess what? No one knows your kids like you do. No one desires the close family relationship and dynamic that you do.

If, like myself, faith is a reason why you are choosing to homeschool, there is no better way to disciple your children than to have them home. It's really hard to undo what the public school system does for seven hours a day, five days a week, for 12 years straight.

I think the latest Barna statistic is that kids and their young 20s who were raised Christian, who still call themselves Christian, is so low, like it's under 20%. Why do you think that is, people? It's because the system was created for that reason.

And if you're like, “Oh, that's the first I've ever heard of this, Christy,” I go through the history of the compulsory school system. I trace it all the way back to Prussia. And I explain how it started in Prussia, why it started, why it was adopted in Europe, and why the US was so enamored by it. Guess what? It was not because they were doing a better job educating. It was all to benefit the state. It was all to create groupthink.

And so just know that and own it and know that, hey, we're a free-thinking family. We're goanna look at things differently. That's OK, and just live your best life, and you have a lot of people in your tribe. You have MPE, everybody to come around you. Any homeschooling support you need or questions you have, you can go to your state organization and get all those questions answered. So you just got to find your people. 

Shanxi: Apart from your book or including your book, what resources or strategies would you recommend about, you know, homeschooling advantages? The helpful research, you know, not to bang people over the heads with, but just in your back pocket, so to speak. 

Christy: Yeah. Well, and like I said, the reason why my book works for both the homeschooler and the non-homeschooler is because data is data, right? A great resource to go to is NHERI. They do a lot of research on homeschooling statistics. I used a lot of Ray’s research. In fact, Brian Ray ended up writing the forward to my book. I reached out to him and said, “Hey, I leaned on so much of your research, would you write my forward?”

Can you believe it? He replied to my email. Here I am, this crazy TikTok girl. It was before anything happened on Instagram, and he was just so gracious and wonderful. But they do some great research. That's National Home Education Research Institute. You can also grab my book, Homeschool Rising. You can get that on Amazon Prime. I don't know what the price is right now, but if it's under 20 bucks, grab it. Because the publisher had set the price originally at $27.00 and I was like, that is way too expensive for a book. But luckily it goes on sale a lot. So if you see it under 20 bucks, grab it. That's a good deal. By the way, I make nothing on selling my book. So no, I mean, that's usually how it is. Like, I'm not trying to make money by selling my book. You know, you guys know how that goes when you have a publisher like that, it's really just to help people. It's a great book to grab an extra one for your mother-in-law, too. 

Shanxi: A lot of people that I know they've said, you know, you are the first homeschooler I met and you made me realize that home schooling is not this way-out weird thing. I mean, you seem to be “normal.” So that's probably one of the one of the highest compliments or praises that I've ever heard. (laughs)

Christy: Yes, absolutely. And you know what else I've been surprised by, is our older generation. And it almost doesn't necessarily matter what side they lean politically. I can't tell you how many birthday parties we've been to where we meet the grandparents and they find out we’re a homeschool family, and they go, “Oh, you're so smart. Oh, I would not put my kids in the system nowadays.”

So we will find support in places that we don't expect. The older generation sees. They see how society has changed, and what a toxic place our school system has become. And so I think that we when we go places, we'd be very surprised to find supporters where we least expect.

By the way, what's so funny is here I am on your podcast saying, be winsome, be kind, but don't go to my social media because I'm very snarky on there. But I will say that in real life I live in a neighborhood. I am the only homeschooler here. In real life, I am very loving, very warm, very winsome. They still don't love me. They think I'm weird.

But on social media, I'm not talking to an actual human being. You have to remember that. So when you see these snarky posts that make you laugh and smirk, that's great. Part of that is just entertainment, coming up with witty sayings and things like that.

Don't mistake my social media or really anyone else’s when we do stuff like that, that's kind of funny with the memes. Don't think that we're doing that in our actual personal lives with people that we care about, because we're not or we shouldn't be. I'm extremely warm.

I go on, I was on a walk with my neighbor and I just let her ask. She was, you know, she has a daughter who struggles tremendously with anxiety disorder, diagnosed, on medication. And I just let her ask me questions. Has she become a homeschooler? No.

But I just answered questions in a very sweet, kind way, and I made sure to never make her feel judged because we got to remember where people are with the homeschooling so foreign to some people. They have a far way to go, and that's the position this Mama was in. So the last thing I wanted her to feel was judged.

It's really personal. Everyone has a different dynamic. You know, I often wonder. I wonder how many moms out there would love to homeschool, but their husbands are so dead set against it. It's just, it would be too big of a battle. So we got to remember that everyone comes from a different situation.

You know, there's moms – I have them in Thrive Homeschool community, who suffer from clinical depression and the days are hard. And I have moms who fear starting homeschooling because of their own mental health. These are things to consider, and not everyone can homeschool, and not everyone should homeschool. That doesn't mean it's not a great choice, though, for a loving home, motivated mom, motivated dad, team effort. It doesn't mean that it's not the best educational choice for a child either, but I think that if we just kind of get off the defense and realize everyone is dealing with their own stuff. It's probably more about them than you. I think that we can be a lot more kind and winsome in our defense. 

Shanxi: Thanks so much for listening. We hope you are encouraged in your homeschool journey.

Please continue the conversation with us on our website, midwesthomeschoolers.org, or email us at podcast@midwestparenteducators.org. We're also active on social media if you'd like to connect with us there. Thanks to Kevin McLeod of incompetech.com for providing this royalty-free song Wholesome, which is licensed under creativecommons.org.